Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Life as I never imagined...

I've never been much of a religious or spiritual person, but lately some events have helped me gain a new insight on life. The father of my children ( whom I'm no longer involved with) is facing several years in prison because of a STUPID decision he made. He is the type of person to live his life the way he thought it should be lived; party hard! He liked to live everyday as if it were his last. Little did he know that by living his life to the extreme the day would come in which he took the life of someone else. Up until the day of the car accident he was in, I had planned my life out and I was satisfied. My youngest child was going to start school, I was going to work full-time and go to school full-time to save money to move to a different city; everything, just everything for once in my life made sense! On the afternoon of April 12th when I found out about the accident and the possible charges he could face, I realized that life can't be planned. It breaks my heart to know that my children might one day ask me why their dad didn't love them enough to make better choices. I can't even begin to think of the future I wanted when I have two little broken hearts to mend. I can still carry on with my plans, but I can't give them as much attention as I originally wanted. I must now carry on the role of mother and father and I feel that with that kind of responsibility, I aged about 20 years. Part of these plans include a wonderful man, Doug, that entered my life several months ago. I can't even begin to describe how he makes me feel about myself or how I feel about him. It's probably one of the best feelings I've ever felt. Better yet, VERY different from anything I've ever felt. We have grown close to one another and I feel like I can call him my partner, my soul mate. He has been there by my side, even through the current situation I have been placed in the middle of. I feel as though this entire situation is unfair to him because of all the changes it brings. I know I will not give up on him and I hope he doesn't give up on me either. The life I now face bears a lot of weight on my shoulders; but the more I think about it, I know that with the love and support of my family I will be more than capable of carrying it out. I also know that with Doug in my life, my heart will have all the strength it needs to not give up on anything, no matter how difficult.

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