Keeping to myself

A "friend" of mine decides to end our friendship because the man I want to be with doesn't meet my "friends" "standards" as to what a real man is. Call me crazy but you have to be a real man in order to know what the hell a real man is. He thinks becuase he racks in 6 figures a year and drives a sports car that he qualifies as a real man. At least that is what spewed out of his mouth. I thought this kind of behavior stayed in high school but apparently some people have a hard time growing the fuck up. I would imagine a good friend would be happy for you when you found someone special that you wanted to be with. Guess I thought wrong. Oh well. At the end of the day, no matter who comes and goes, I still have the man I want to be with. The one that no matter what people think of him, he is still the best thing that's happened to me. That's all that matters to me now.

Brokenhearted or just plain stupid?

Once upon a time I told myself that I would never give up until I found the perfect man for me. What exactly does the "perfect man" have? what is it that makes him so perfect? That he makes you laugh? That he makes you smile? That he tells you everything you want to hear and puts you on the highest cloud only to let you fall once he's done with you? All of the above has happened to me and I think I've come to the conclusion that my heart should not be given away. The asshole I gave it to decided he was going to play hackey sack with it. Last time I checked, that wasn't the appropriate way to make use of someone's heart. A word to the wise: if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't and you should get out before your heart is stomped on. I also just realized that i'm rambling...which I hate doing so i'm going to end this right now. If you still read my blog...screw you, Doug!

The Future

Do you ever wonder what the future holds? I do, everyday. I used to go to bed every night and just accept that whatever happened tomorrow would happen regardless of what I wanted and I just had to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. Well, now things are a bit scarier. As stated in previous posts,  my kids will most likely lose their father soon due to his constant law breaking antics and this gives a whole new meaning to "single parent." I feel as though its a new beginning but by the same token its a dead end. I can now raise my children the way I want to without some crazy man trying to steer the kids in the wrong way because he doesnt want them growing up to be "pussies." sigh. All these thoughts about the future bring me to my son's First Holy Communion. During the Homily (which is the time the priest lectures about the readings and gives his two cents) there was a discussion about the meaning behind children making their communion. Their bride and groom clothing is symbolic of them "marrying" into their faith and being loyal to God. The priest proceeded to mention that as parents of these children, we had to make sure to make sure the children attended mass every Sunday from the day of their communion to the day they become adults and are able to make their own decisions. Even then, we should still encourage them to attend Sunday mass so they pass it on when they have families of their own. The priest's point was that if we do not keep the children's faith alive, we will be paying for it later in life. Is this true? Is this just a priest blinded by his own faith in God? Normally I would think that way, but I can't help but wonder............when Joe (my kids father) was smaller, his parents never took him to mass or payed much attention to him. He was never treated the way a parent should treat their own child and he has commited multiple crimes and has a cold heart towards others. He and I both wonder if things might have been different had he been brought up in a more loving manner or if his parents had taken him to church every Sunday. Maybe the thought is irrelevant and dumb, but I can't seem to erase the thought............

Life as I never imagined...

I've never been much of a religious or spiritual person, but lately some events have helped me gain a new insight on life. The father of my children ( whom I'm no longer involved with) is facing several years in prison because of a STUPID decision he made. He is the type of person to live his life the way he thought it should be lived; party hard! He liked to live everyday as if it were his last. Little did he know that by living his life to the extreme the day would come in which he took the life of someone else. Up until the day of the car accident he was in, I had planned my life out and I was satisfied. My youngest child was going to start school, I was going to work full-time and go to school full-time to save money to move to a different city; everything, just everything for once in my life made sense! On the afternoon of April 12th when I found out about the accident and the possible charges he could face, I realized that life can't be planned. It breaks my heart to know that my children might one day ask me why their dad didn't love them enough to make better choices. I can't even begin to think of the future I wanted when I have two little broken hearts to mend. I can still carry on with my plans, but I can't give them as much attention as I originally wanted. I must now carry on the role of mother and father and I feel that with that kind of responsibility, I aged about 20 years. Part of these plans include a wonderful man, Doug, that entered my life several months ago. I can't even begin to describe how he makes me feel about myself or how I feel about him. It's probably one of the best feelings I've ever felt. Better yet, VERY different from anything I've ever felt. We have grown close to one another and I feel like I can call him my partner, my soul mate. He has been there by my side, even through the current situation I have been placed in the middle of. I feel as though this entire situation is unfair to him because of all the changes it brings. I know I will not give up on him and I hope he doesn't give up on me either. The life I now face bears a lot of weight on my shoulders; but the more I think about it, I know that with the love and support of my family I will be more than capable of carrying it out. I also know that with Doug in my life, my heart will have all the strength it needs to not give up on anything, no matter how difficult.

Proud Mommy!

Two weeks ago my son did a science project on Acid Rain and he won 2nd place at his school. He made it to the Diosecan Science Fair (held today) in which all private schools in our city participate and he won 3rd place out of 30 second graders. He is now moving onto the Coastal Bend Science Fair in April. I am so proud of him. I hope he wins something there, but the fact that he made it so far still makes me proud as ever! I love him so much! Here are some pics:

My name should be Eeyore!

Have you ever reached that point in your life in which everything you thought you wanted you later realized wasn't what you wanted? I've been having those kinda moments lately. It seems as though nothing makes me happy anymore, with the exception of my kids of course. I'm back to the old days where I'm only happy when I'm out shopping and today's economy only allows so much of that stuff! To add insult to injury, I have my CRAZY aunts insisting I get on medication....anti-depressants to be exact. One of them even had the nerve to tell me that a certain medication will give me a high. I don't need a damn high, that crap is only temporary, I just want things back to normal. I think part of my problem is that there are several downers (people) in my life that must be eliminated permanently. I should do some life-type spring cleaning! I need to stop trying to make others happy because I don't want to hurt them and start thinking about me for once. Blah...even this blog is a downer. Now, I'm off to my daily homework duties...maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can forget how bummed I am!

Ignorance is NOT bliss!!

I always thought that blogging was an area in which you can release your thoughts, emotions, basically whatever was on your mind. I was recently attacked in my comments area about my "rants against my little children." I'm sorry to say that the ignorant "blogger" that posted the comment has no idea about my life whatsoever other than what he/she reads here on my blog, which hardly consitutes knowing me well enough to berate me about the things I say. I don't feel as though I should blog about my entire childhood in which I was abused both verbally and emotionally, not to mention not allowed to indulge in most child activities as the other kids my age. Or how I was so desperate to get away from my family when I graduated high school that I left with the man I met who seemed like he could pull me out of my slump, but instead I wound up having 2 kids with him and back in a situation that doesn't allow me to be "free." That is all personal information that I should not have to divulge in order for some people to be "ok" with my blog. So with that little background let me clear some things up:
*YES, I do love my kids with all my heart. They mean the world to me, and I am actually more grounded because of them, as opposed to how I would be without them.
*YES, I am a very happy person. I laugh, I joke, I smile.  I have few but WONDERFUL people in my life that make it worthwhile.
*YES, I do like alone time! I cherish every second! I am a full time student taking 15 college hours, so yes I do like some alone time to catch up on homework!
*NO, I do not party! I think it is a waste of time and money! My free time is either spent doing homework (as mentioned above), or reading a book, or heck...catching up on cleaning!
*YES, I do deserve time away from the kids. I never said forever. If it was such a bad thing then why does their dad take them on the weekends??? He has a side job now, so he can't.
*YES, I speak my mind. I will not change. Not for anyone.
*NO, I do not verbally or emotionally abuse my children just because I was as a child.
*and FYI, my children love me more than you will ever know....so just because you don't like a post, where I am venting about the rough day I  had.....please do me and yourself a favor and just leave onto the next blog that consists of sunshine and daffodils because clearly that is how you see life and that is not how it is here all the time.